We have a hot tub.
I never had one before. It’s great for arthritis, joint pain, achy anything, and, of course, just unwinding.
Sometimes, Nancy and I will relax in it with a glass of wine.
So this happened:
I looked out my back window and saw Nancy sitting in it having a glass of wine and listening to Al Green.
(I should join her.)
I quickly poured myself a glass of wine, changed into my bathing suit, and made my way across the backyard.
She didn’t see me approaching. Her head was back on a pillow, eyes closed.
I crept quietly to avoid disturbing her and to surprise her.
When I circled around the back, I sent my baby toe directly into the corner of the tub with full stride.
I squeezed my mouth shut to remain silent. In my throat was a scream with the potential energy of a grenade, which, in lieu of bellowing out my mouth, summoned all of the blood in my body to report immediately to my toe instead.
It looked like a tomato growing in a time-lapse video.
I couldn’t put any weight on it so I stood like a silent flamingo quivering in pain behind Nancy’s resting head.
I gulped the wine and while my head was back I looked to the heavens for strength.
I used the side of the tub for support and hopped to the steps.
She spotted me.
“Are you ok?!”
“Me? Yeah fine. Why?”
“Your eyes are tearing.”
“What? Allergies, maybe.”
I glanced down as I swung my leg over the side.
My toe had formed into a red 1971 Volkswagen parked on the side of my foot.
“Oh my God, what happened to your foot?!”
“Nothing. Nance. It’s fine.”
She watched me brace myself without using my left leg.
“You brought out an empty wine glass?”
I slowly lowered myself into the tub.
When this happens, the air inside the bathing suit gets trapped and it inflates.
When the jets of a hot tub are providing forced air, you look like you should be hovering above 6th ave. tethered to clowns on Thanksgiving.
Before Nancy could notice, I submerged it.
“Is your foot ok? Seriously. Let me look at it. Hold it up above the water.”
“No. Nance, can’t we just forget about it and relax here together?”
“It could be broken. Let me see it.” She knew I wouldn’t hold my foot up so she turned the jets off to see it for herself under the calm water.
She leaned over to inspect my underwater toe.
With the refraction of the water and the jet-provided oxygen, my bathing suit looked like a weather balloon.
Before she could notice that, I forced the air out by smoothing my suit out against my body.
An enormous air bubble rose to the surface from my leg.
“Bloop.”
“REALLY?!”
“Nance, that wasn’t what you think!”
I imagined Al Green shaking his head in disgust.