I had time to kill before meeting someone, so I went to get a coffee at this food court. If this were an actual food court, all the cooks would be found guilty of attempted murder.
I cut through the tables and this 200 yr. old Asian woman blocked my path holding a tray of samples.
“Yummy yummy chicken?” She quickly asked.
“No. Thanks though.” I stepped left to pass her and she matched my move.
“Yummy yummy…” she assured me.
“I believe you, but to be honest, I don’t eat meat, or dairy for that matter, but I appreciate the offer.”
She flashed a disturbing smile.
I couldn’t tell if she was in pain or about to yawn. It reflected a delinquent, if not completely ignored, dental regimen.
I returned a smile but couldn’t stop looking into her mouth, like that morbid curiosity that has us staring at car wrecks.
Then she said it:
“You big handsome.”
I didn’t know what to do.
I dropped my eyes to the samples then back up and spoke plainly. “Um, that’s very kind but I have to tell you I feel a little weird. You know, this whole MeToo movement thing has made me keenly aware of…”
“Beeeg handsome,” she emphasized.
I stopped talking.
We stared at each other.
I wrestled with both flattery and objectification. I wanted to be respectful but stern.
I also tried to wrap my head around the fact that, as a single man, my target demographic is chicks from the Ming dynasty.
She squeezed her eyes shut momentarily -an attempt at a wink.
“Please, ma’am. I’m not interested in the chicken and I’m in a relationship. Please know that.”
“Beeg beeg handsome.”
Her smile expanded showing more of her graveyard of a mouth.
“I’m going to have to ask you to stop saying that. It’s kind of inappropriate and …”
A young man wearing the same shirt as her with the restaurant’s logo hurried to her side and said something in Chinese to her and she turned away.
“She doesn’t speak English,” he said, “sorry sir.”
“She just did!” I alerted him.
“No.” He shook his head.
“She told me how good looking I am!”
He scanned my face and when he got to my hair his eyes widened. He curled his mouth and shrugged implying that no more proof of her incompetence was needed.
We both watched her stand in the path of a black woman in a wheelchair.
“You big handsome!” she told her.
She did that eye thing again. (Turns out it was a twitch.)
The black woman tilted her head and glared- the universal gesture for “get the f#*k out of my way.”
When she didn’t, the young man went over, took her by the elbow and guided her through a door by the restaurant.
On my way to get coffee I wondered if I should even tell Nancy.
