Random crap
Copyright © 2022 John Higgins, That Higgins Guy. All Rights Reserved
Can I just say something that isn’t socio-political here for a moment?
I just want to say that I have a real problem with people who play air guitar.
The most offensive are the air guitar players who actually make that solo-face real guitar players make when they’re playing a lead- you know, the weird twisted faces they make like they’re in pain or something. (Solo-face is a whole other topic.)
So they’re faking a solo and contorting their face as they fake lose themselves in their fake solo on their non-existent guitar.
Really?
I threw air tomatoes at a guy doing this at a winery once. He thought I was waving at him until I explained.
He told me to drop dead but I asked if I could wait til his air concert was over first; otherwise, I’d ask for my air money back.
He said nothing and just turned his back to me.
I told him his air music teacher must be so proud of him.
Ok, you can all go back to fighting about politics now
I had time to kill and stopped for a beer at the local pub. I got to talking with this guy sitting on the stool next to me. We talked about most everything.
It was fine until we wrapped it up.
Taking the last swig from my pint glass, I put some cash on the bar. I stood up and said, “Great meeting you. I gotta go, get home to my wife.”
“You told me you were divorced…”
“Oh yeah. Then I’ll go home to your wife.”
“What are you a jackass?”
Oh well.
I think my trouble with relationships today stems from my childhood and having to grow up with two Darrens.
When you’re in Facebook jail don’t you still have to take out the biggest guy to show dominance?
My neighbor didn’t say anything at first when I told him this. He just looked at his wife next to him who was already looking at him.
Then he asked me who I thought I’d “take out.”
I pointed at the house across the street.
“Have a good day, John. C’mon Ellen.”
You know you had a rough night and you’re hungover AF when your iPhone’s Face ID doesn’t work.
On the ferry they offer local craft beers in cans or on tap.
I sat at the bar and put my book down. Looking at the tap handles, I saw some beers I didn’t recognize. The bartender said the craft beers were good.
“I’ll try one. What do you suggest?” I asked.
“Whalers is pretty popular, a Rhode Island beer.”
“Sounds good, Whalers it is.”
“Coming up. You want it in the can?”
“Uh, no. I’ll just have it here at the bar.”
He dug his hand into the cooler with a subtle head shake and pulled the beer out of the ice.
It’s going go be a long trip.
Listening to The Fifth Dimension.
“One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
But all I do is cry
I only know that since he left
My life’s so empty…”
She only gave him one egg?
He’s probably at the diner.
I don’t mind the fact that Steven Spielberg remade WEST SIDE STORY, but blowing up the Sharks at the end was just stupid.
Did you ever walk across a parking lot toward a store and someone gets out of their car ahead of you and the next thing you know you’re walking alongside each other at the same speed?
It suddenly becomes the most awkward walk to the store ever.
You don’t know if you should speed up or slow down.
This happened to me and I said to the older man that the agency doesn’t like operatives meeting in the open like this.
He asked me if I was an idiot.
I whispered, “Good cover. Keep it going.”
He sped up.
Whatever.
My car battery died.
When is it ok to joke about it?
So I scrapped the idea of getting a full-body tattoo of a younger version of myself. I realized that I’ll still age under it and as my skin loses elasticity I’ll eventually look like an empty ‘John Higgins’ bag.
I don’t understand guys wearing camouflage shorts.
In the woods, people will just see a pair of shins walking around.
Torso / nothing / shins.
I don’t get it.
A friend asked me what qualities a food must have for it to be designated a “comfort food.”
I thought of what baked beans, mac & cheese, a casserole, and mashed potatoes may have in common.
Then it dawned on me-
A “Comfort food” is any food you wouldn’t mind having in your pants.
“Crest Pro-Health mouthwash kills 99% of germs to improve breath”
You want to know what scares the hell out of me? That one friggin’ germ that can survive when 99% of the others have been killed.
That’s one tough bastard and he’s crawling around my mouth and you just KNOW he’s pissed off!
I was considering Lasik eye surgery and I was going consult my FB friends before deciding. Then I realized I was asking people I haven’t seen in 30 years if I should have laser beams fired into my eyeballs.
Another Target in Connecticut was broken into last weekend.
These places are getting robbed all the time!
Wouldn’t you think that by now they’d change the name of the store?
For God’s sake, its logo is a bullseye!
I don’t like the term “soulmate.”
It sounds like a dating service for ghosts. It also sounds too much like “cell mate.”
(Crap. Now I’m struggling to identify the difference.)
Am I the only one who puts the death grip on his car keys when he opens the driver’s door after he’s parked and sees a storm drain right next to it? You’d think it was a friggin vacuum!
I squeeze them so hard that I could bring my palm to a locksmith and have him cut a spare key from the imprint.
Medical advice tip #6:
Burning upon urination is concerning, but when you smell smoke you should seek immediate medical care.
In my entire life, I have never seen gloves in a glove compartment.
I was asked that if I could choose any person, dead or alive, to sit on a park bench and talk with for one hour, who it would be.
At first, I thought I’d choose William Shakespeare, but I think he’d just keep slumping over.
I’d probably end up spending the hour propping him back up.
If you’re given this opportunity I strongly recommend you choose somebody who’s alive.
I saw a guy driving a pick-up truck with a dream catcher hanging from his rear-view mirror.
Am I the only one who sees a problem with that?
How much sleeping does this guy do behind the wheel that he needs to cut down on nightmares?
I’ve been at this ‘leave-a-penny, take-a-penny’ bowl by the register for 35 minutes. When can I stop?
Pet peeve #60:
Cashiers who return your change by laying the bills across their palm, stacking the coins on top of them, then presenting that creation to you.
How are you supposed to take it?Usually, I take the coins first and put them in my pocket while she holds the bills until I go back for them, or I slide the bills out from under the coins and put them in my wallet while the coins wait their turn. Today, she did it again, so I just cupped my hands together and asked her to dump the money in.
Why does a simple cash transaction have to turn into Jenga?
Looking forward to starting my singing lessons. The instructor said that the first six lessons focus on mid-song crotch grabbing, like Michael Jackson.
She thinks I’m a natural lefty.
We’ll see.
I’ll keep you updated.
If you could look at Earth from 65 million light-years away, you would see dinosaurs.
I’d like to look at it from 2 hours away and see where I left my keys.
Regarding the typhoon in Okinawa:
The copy editor who allowed, “residents in danger of breaking wind at 118 mph” should be given a raise.
Why is it that every time I start to play “Locomotive Breath” on the ukelele Nancy takes another swig of her Margarita?
Philosophical question:
If Kim Kardashian fell in a forest and no one was there…Wait, leave it at that! I just cheered myself up!
(Sorry, go back to whatever you were doing.)
A speech impediment characterized by the problematic execution of the ‘S’ sound is given a name with an ‘S’ in it.
Who was the jackass who came up with that idea?
I’m holding out for a continuous table of the elements.
I watched 2 hours of television last night for the first time in months and learned one thing: every woman I see who is running along the beach is having her period.
I mean, does it make you do that? They should sell sneakers next to the tampons.
Here’s a real fact for cold season:
sugar suppresses your immune system. A can of soda has enough sugar to cut your immunity by 30% for 3 hours.
Dropping added sugar from my diet hasn’t decreased my incidence of sickness but instead compressed it. I now sneeze once a year. But it’s big. Yesterday I sneezed and sent a baby in a shopping cart flying down the produce aisle.
I’m afraid to cut down on beans.
The Chicago Sun Times reported today that Kraft Foods is experiencing a Velveeta shortage.
Chicago…isn’t that where Oprah lives?
When I told my dear old Mom that we’d have the family at our house this year for dinner, she just lit-up. I need to find a way to keep her out of the Christmas tree.
I pray that I’ll never need a glass eye.
I’d be scared to death of going to the opera.
Wouldn’t it be a great idea to sell diapers at the duty-free shop?
After helping a stranger yesterday on my way home and making him smile, I went to bed with a warm fuzzy feeling.
Turns out it was a raccoon.
Be sure to close your bedroom windows.
What about UNtrained assassins?
We know governments hire trained assassins to kill people, but what about the ones who don’t have their training course certificate? Can they even use weapons?
What do they use on their targets, noogies?
Is their code name something lame like “Jim Shortz,” or “Virginia Hamm”?
The gentleman next to me on the train is out like a light. His mouth is wide open. I closed my book and looked into it. He evidently didn’t understand the importance of diligent brushing. His teeth go in different directions, varying shades of white, gray, ecru. It looked as if even though they shared the same mouth, most of his teeth didn’t get along with each other.
I shook my head in disgust and went back to my book. I wondered what the alcoholism rate is among dentists.
If anybody is interested, Whole Foods now offers 0.9% financing.
How can Anti-aging cream have an expiration date?
The worker there couldn’t explain why when I called him over. He said he’d go ask the manager but never came back.
A new guy came to the job yesterday and introduced himself to me. He said, “Hi, I’m Adam.”
I said, “Wow, you’re a lot bigger than I thought you’d be.”
Nobody got it until later a young kid came up to me laughing after it dawned on him.
Why is it that after you beat someone up they’re usually lying down?
This is why I friggin’ hate prepositions.
In hindsight, if Uncle Joe was movin’ kinda slow at the junction, why the Hell didn’t they take him for a neurological check-up?
Doesn’t ‘Fiat’ sound like something a gassy Croatian would do?
I think Mr. Paltrow got the idea for his daughter’s name when he accidentally bit his tongue while ordering a Guinness.
I ordered actual size stick-figure family decals for my car and now I can’t see shit.
Who tests submarines?
I imagine it would be someone who can really hold their breath.
Shelly Winters would have been perfect considering how she saved the day in “The Poseidon Adventure”. She was so proud of herself (except for when her dress went over her head while swimming and the whole audience saw her bloomers which, by the way, brought puberty to a screeching halt for me – took me years to get back on track).
Confession: when I first heard the term ‘IPad’ I thought Apple was getting into the feminine hygiene market
According to the Moscow Times, an unmanned Russian atomic sub caught fire Monday. I don’t mean to sound aloof, but wouldn’t a burning submarine eventually put itself out?
There’s something about building all the furniture in your house using nothing but a tiny allen wrench.
I ordered a dresser and it came in a pizza box.
I think IKEA is Swedish for “I wouldn’t put my whole weight on that if I were you,”
I just got cut off by a courtesy car.
Enough said.
A store in Danbury sells expensive baby furniture.
How much money do they think these kids have?
I’ve lived in many places in my lifetime and I’ve discovered that there is one universal truth: All post offices smell the same.
While driving to my therapist I came upon the realization that the idiom ‘so quiet that you could hear a pin drop’ doesn’t apply to bowling alleys.
To ready itself for winter, the LIRR is practicing breaking-down so it will be able to do it immediately when the snow comes.
I have an idea for a new product-
Adult diapers you can wear while swimming in a pool.
I’m going to call them
“Deep Ends”
Any investors out there?
I agree that dying with a lot of money isn’t as important as dying with a lot of friends.
The hard part is telling my friends they have to die with me.
I made my final wishes clear. When I die, I want to be embalmed with that stuff they put in Glo-Sticks.
Halfway through the service somebody could kill the lights.
Cool right?
I’d need about 4 gallons.
I think that when people say, “me casa es su casa” they don’t really mean it because they’re saying it in another language.
They feel good about themselves for saying it but they’re hoping you’re not bilingual so you can’t take them up on it. If it were sincere, they’d say it in the same language you’ve been using all along. Why switch to code?
A friend said that to me and I just rolled my eyes. I then offered to give him $1000…in Latin.
He never got back to me.
Hey, I offered, right?
Essential oils bother me.
How essential could they be if we’ve lived for generations without them?
We’re being duped and people are spending millions on them.
They’re not essential. They’re oil. Period.
5W-30 is essential oil. Without it, your car dies. I know men who’ve gone their entire lives without lavender and had no regrets. It’s marketing.
“Essential oils”
What’s next, “Mandatory Mayonnaise”?
That’d probably fly off the shelves too.
Whenever you get somewhere late, the only open chair is the one nobody wants. It could be in a waiting room, an office meeting, a dinner party, anywhere. It’s like a social lateness fee we have to pay.
“Oh hi, John! You’re late so you’ll have to sit next to someone who sucks, can I take your coat?”
This isn’t unlike the men’s room. Once we walk in, we have a split second to decide which urinal to select when others are in use. If you were first in there, you’d opt for an end unit, like choosing a condo, but when it’s crowded you can’t stand back, rub your chin and survey your options; that’d be weird as fuck. You have to walk with purpose to the open one even if you don’t want it.
In a field of three, the middle one is always open. Positioning yourself in front of that one takes very careful movements between the other guys, so your elbows don’t touch. That is an interaction NO man wants. If they’re all full, you wait by the line of sinks and pray you hear a flush from the one on the far right- nowhere near the chatty guy. (That’s a whole other post…)
God forbid you get that low-boy model they have now. When the hell did those start showing up?
The University of Manchester’s Center for Dermatology Research found that the immunosuppressive drug Cyclosporine A has among its side effects rapid hair growth and the reversal of baldness. The other side effects are convulsions and diarrhea.
It may soon be marketed to compete with Rogaine and Minoxidil to re-grow hair.
Here’s my question: women, are you really willing to overlook convulsions and diarrhea for a full head of hair on a guy?
I mean, when you’re watching your date run to the men’s room while flailing like a tasered perp, you’re really going to think, “Hey, at least he’s got hair…”?
Here’s an interesting fact:
Al Pacino would’ve been 91 yrs. old today
If today was his birthday and he was born a lot earlier
Often, workplace tragedies occur at the hands of disgruntled employees.
I think the gruntled workers should notify HR immediately when they spot one.
I always say, “Once gruntling stops, trouble begins.”
Can’t pasta makers come up with a more appetizing name than “angel hair”?
I stare at it on my fork and imagine bald angels.
The Zika virus has been identified in 31 people in the U.S. It is carried by mosquitoes and is spread through sexual activity.
Who the hell is having sex with mosquitoes?
The new Lamborghini goes from 0-60 mph in 3.1 seconds which means you can get a speeding ticket in 3.2.
If I buy it, I can get to the dry cleaners in 40 seconds, the mailbox in 6 seconds.
With that speed, I’m technically already at my neighbor’s house.
America’s progress can only happen gradually and political change should be done in increments. Unfortunately, our government does it in excrements
A new study shows that sniffing Rosemary may increase your memory by 75%, but it will definitely increase your odds of having her slap you in the face by 100%.
Walmart offers free in-store pick up.
This means that after you buy an item online you can go into their store and get it at no extra charge.
I just called EZ Pass and got this, “…Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed”
Do they think we memorized the old options?
People who make ‘air’ quotation marks with their fingers while they’re talking.
Starting today I’ll begin making air commas.
Casual Fridays must have sucked for gladiators.
Could you imagine wearing Dockers and a pullover to a joust?
Do you think lobsters hurt themselves when they salute?
Shouldn’t they be called “tamp- ins”?
A sign reads, “Fewer friends, less drama. Keep your circle small.”
I have the best situation.
Instead of having fewer friends in a small circle I just have a lot of really small friends.
A direct link to Alzheimer’s has been found in the use of deodorants.
Coincidently, a direct link to loneliness has been found in its non-use.
Does St. Joseph’s aspirin work on atheists?
I have a “Find My Phone” app ON my phone.
Enough said.
Hans Riegel, the man who invented the Gummi Bear passed away. He was 90 years old.
In keeping with his wishes, his remains will be stuck between the teeth of his mourners.
Just sitting here thinking about how proud Mr. and Mrs. Cruise must be of their two successful sons, Tom and Pablo.
Who the hell is illegally blind?
I just got The Ninja food processor.
I brought it home a half hour ago, put it on the counter, turned around and it’s gone- I can’t find it anywhere!
Going for a haircut today.
I dread this every six weeks because I know that while I’m lying back with my head in that sink getting my hair washed, at some point, without fail, the shampoo girl and I will look into each other’s nostrils.
The money I give her is more of an apology than it is a tip.
I think it’s a design flaw that our toenails are so far away that it makes more sense to hire other people to maintain them.
Today was the second time I saw a beaver doing absolutely nothing.
Don’t believe everything you hear.
What the hell happened to Omega-2s?
My ‘check engine’ light came on and luckily it was a cheap repair. In fact, I was able to fix it with only some electrical tape.
I tore a piece off and covered the ‘check engine’ light with it.
I was told that I should live each day like it’s my last so I spent today slumped over my kitchen table.
It sucked.
I brought the clam I rescued to the vet because he didn’t look right.
Turns out he was just upside down.
My bad.
(Always double check, fellow clam owners)
Do potholes get washed in sinkholes?
Anyone?
I find that meditating to get in touch with my inner self is much easier than pressing really hard on my own stomach
The new $1000 IPhone tracks your weight and tells you if you’re staying fit.
Pants do that for nothing.
Are there any regularly priced garages or are they all on sale?
How many bounds did Superman need when he was first starting out?
I know he got it down to one for tall buildings, but before then, did he just slam into the windows while practicing?
Imagine the office workers on those upper floors. It must have been annoying as hell trying to get their work done with that banging going on all day.
Why didn’t he just walk around the building anyway?
Do you think Alfredo Fettucini hated seeing his name in the phone book?
He must be so happy they’re gone now.
What does the Adopt-a-Highway program advise to do if years later it wants to meet its real parents?
I mean, it can’t be long before it thinks, “Hey, we don’t look alike.”
Do you think Godzilla did that ‘circle around’ thing that dogs do before he pooped?
People screamed when he tore down power lines and crumbled buildings, but how about the poor souls who lived around his ‘favorite spot’?
Man, what a way to go. I think I’d have rather been incinerated by his breath than that.
I’m not convinced the Declaration of Independence would’ve gotten written if they all had swivel office chairs.
I feel they’d have been too busy having races or trying to get Jefferson to puke by spinning him around in it.
Why do office chairs swivel anyhow?
I only have respect for executives when they use stately armchairs.
If I think that when I leave an office that the person behind the desk may lift his feet and do 360°s, respect goes out the window.
When I see a chair with four legs behind the desk, I know I’m dealing with a no-nonsense guy.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate swivel chairs; in fact, I think jury duty would be much more fun if they had them. But let me go on record as saying that there is a time and a place for them.
So, as I was saying, If we had swivel chairs in 1776, we’d all be driving on the other side of the road talking like Mr. Darcy.
The cat learns to use the toilet and everyone in the house jumps for joy.
I use the litter box once and they all hate me.
Every night before I go to bed I pee like clockwork.
Seriously.
It makes a ticking noise. I have an appointment with a specialist.
The difference between a hero and a superhero is the fact they combat injustice and have remarkable fighting skills.
I think supermodels should be held to the same standard.
Guess who just turned 50-
LL Cool J!
…or as a Roman would call him,
L Cool J
John Higgins’s 2022 resolutions:
1. Try to get at least 7 hours sleep each day
2. Go to the gym more
3. Find a gym that’ll let me in with my sleeping bag so I can knock off #1 and 2.
I never saw an inconvenience store.
I guess they all closed down for obvious reasons.
That guy in the desert was an idiot.
No horse has a name.
You have to give it to them.
…jerk